violetsnvalium: (Ms. Patsy Kelly)
[personal profile] violetsnvalium
At the moment I am being tested. This isn't a comment about stress or anything - I am literally being tested all over. Blood tests, pulmonary function tests, work competence evaluations, French language tests (that's next month and I am scared), English language tests (meh), maths tests (don't even ask)... I even had an IQ test, just for the hell of it. After this I am going to know every little thing about every little part of my body and mind.

The reason for all these tests - well, the mental ones, the physical ones are just because the doctors are trying to find out what the hell is killing me aside from Jagermeister - is that I am becoming a student again, after approximately nine sipillion years. This is very hard for me. I just spent a couple of minutes writing an email back to my new student adviser lady, trying to remember how you're supposed to start a formal letter. "Hey!" "Hi, how are you?" "Good evening!" Oh, yeah. It's "Dear" (orilly?). Which, by the way, is completely inappropriate if you think about it logically, but as with all formal thingies, you must never really consider it because it might be like the fluttering butterfly in chaos theory.

So I am doing two things this year: one is a professional certificate in management from the Open University, and the other is a BTS (brevet de technicien supérieur, pretty much the same thing) in management des unités commerciales, which luckily I can do through work-based learning rather than writing long essays in French. See, I speak French. No, I do. The thing is that in French, I have a cripplingly severe case of potty-mouth. Pretty much every sentence ends in "de mes couilles !" and I call everyone "mon frère", regardless of gender or social status. I am basically Ali G. I am taking a French language test called the DALF to prove that I am bilingual, and even though I am perfectly capable of chattering on in French for hours (and hours, and hours), there is a very strong possibility that I will blithely and cheerfully make an obscene comment about the examiner's mother.

This is all kind of scary to me. Essays! How in the name of God do people write them? I haven't written an essay since I was about fourteen, and I think it was about my summer holiday or something. But when the essay is something like "describe the various methods of communication to your line managers, staff and customers that you have used in your job and evaluate their effectiveness" (actual quote), I am thrown. My essay would say "Um, I just tell them what to do and normally they do it so I guess it works".

You people, though, you LiveJournal people, you all seem to get it. You're always all blabbering on about your PhDs and shit. HOW DO YOU DO IT? This is a real question. Tell me. GIVE ME YOUR KNOWLEDGE. How do you sit at a computer and actually write these things without just looking at cat videos and playing Minesweeper? Just thinking about it exacerbates my potty-mouth.


Date: 2013-02-26 07:44 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
You look at cat videos and play minesweeper A LOT. Then you panic and write anything. Then you get feedback and write it better. Soon you skip the 'write anything' bit, but the rest stays pretty much the same :)

This all sounds so exciting! If you want a fresh eye on any of the (English!) assignments let me know. Good luck!

Date: 2013-02-26 06:10 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Okay. Okay. Glad to know that cat videos still fit into it somehow. If you're serious about looking over my thingies, I will gladly take you up on it! I don't start until May so I have a few months of being scared in advance to go, but that would be amazing. Thankyou so much!!

Date: 2013-02-28 10:17 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Totally serious! Happy to help in any way I can :)

This changed my life / was my motto. Getting ANYTHING down is the absolute hardest.
Edited Date: 2013-02-28 10:21 pm (UTC)

Date: 2013-02-26 12:38 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Lol, writing up my dissertation was 50% looking at stuff on the internet and only got truly serious towards the last few months.

That's so cool you're doing these courses :D good luck :D

Date: 2013-02-26 06:08 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Or watching ridiculous Blair Witch porn movies with a gorilla doing it with a blow-up doll (that was funny!)...

Thankyou my lovely!!!

Date: 2013-02-28 09:12 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Lol, no dear that was my first year when I did little to no work at all ;) *giggles* that was so hysterical XD

Remember he guy in the rental place when we got it??? XD

Date: 2013-02-26 06:25 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I can offer nothing since I too have a potty mouth (in all languages) and ...I never even finished high school. I also watch cat videos. And people email them to me because apparently I am their own fucking Little Edie Beale.

But I love that you are going back to school. You are going to do this because you are going to drink some alcohol, watch some cat videos and write the most awesome essay ever created. In fact, I think this is exactly what Hemingway did. (except for the last part because he makes me yawn)

Date: 2013-02-26 06:35 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I didn't finish high school either! And Hemingway... blehhh. "I'm afraid of the rain because sometimes I see me dead in it" - seriously? (By the way, Gore Vidal's essay about Hemingway is really nice and snarky.)

If all else fails can I come live with you and be Big Edie?!

Date: 2013-02-28 03:59 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I used to write papers all in one go the night before they were due, but now I tend to break it up so I have more time for the cats and such. Generally I go: research notes -> outline -> sloppy first draft -> revising over and over -> turn it in, feeling a little confused. Sometimes I give myself a time frame, like "If I work on this shit for one hour, I will ignore it for the rest of the day." Also sometimes I write a first draft that is SUPER shitty on purpose, so that when I reread, I get irritated and fix things. That way, I have the content down and I can focus on the language. There are also computer programs that will disconnect your internet for a period of time so you're forced to work on things, but I haven't tried them. Good luck with all the schooly stuff!


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August 2013


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